How to Identify Your Personal Values

professional matchmaker has to ask one big question very early with almost every client:
“What actually matters to you?”

Not what sounds good on paper, not what parents want, not what friends expect — but personal values. Without some clarity here, it is hard to choose a partner, a career move, or even a weekly routine without feeling off.

Identifying values doesn’t require a long retreat or a stack of self-help books. It can be done with a few honest questions and a bit of reflection. Think of it as cleaning the lens through which life decisions are made.

Below is a simple way to get there.

Why personal values matter

Values are the things that feel non-negotiable on the inside, even if they are never written down.

For example:

• Someone with a strong value of freedom will feel trapped in a very rigid job or controlling relationship.
• Someone who values stability will feel constantly on edge in chaotic environments.
• Someone who values growth will start to fade in a role or relationship where nothing changes for years.

When values are honored, decisions feel cleaner and energy levels rise. When they are ignored, stress, resentment, and quiet dissatisfaction creep in — even if everything “looks fine” from the outside.

First sign your values are unclear

A common hint: the feeling of being pulled in different directions.

• Saying yes to things that feel wrong.
• Feeling guilty for wanting something different from family or colleagues.
• Jumping between jobs, projects, or partners without understanding “what went wrong.”

Often there is nothing “wrong” with any single choice — it just does not match the person’s inner priorities. That mismatch keeps repeating until values are named.

Exercise 1: Follow your energy and your irritation

A quick way to start is to look at two emotional signals: what gives energy and what repeatedly irritates.

Take a piece of paper (or notes app) and write:

1. “When do I feel most alive?”
   Think of real moments from the last year:
   • working on a creative idea;
   • having a deep conversation;
   • helping someone solve a problem;
   • exploring a new place;
   • finishing a complex project.
2. Next to each moment, add a possible value word:
   • creative project → creativity or self-expression
   • deep conversation → honesty, connection, intimacy
   • solving problems → competence, impact, service
3. “What reliably frustrates or drains me?”
   Look for patterns:
   • constant last-minute changes → maybe structure or respect for time is important
   • gossip at work → maybe respect or loyalty matters a lot
   • someone making all decisions for you → maybe autonomy is a core value

Irritations are often “values being stepped on.” They point very directly to what matters.

Exercise 2: Peak moments and hard choices

Next, ask yourself two questions:

1. “What are three moments in my life I am proud of?”

They do not need to be loud achievements. It can be:

• leaving an unhealthy job or relationship;
• standing up for someone;
• finishing something that was very hard;
• moving to a new place;
• saying “no” when it was difficult.

For each moment, ask: Which values was I defending or expressing?
Examples: courage, loyalty, growth, fairness, independence, kindness.

2. “What was a difficult decision I still believe was right?”

Maybe the choice upset someone else or cost short-term comfort, but it still feels correct in hindsight. That is usually a sign that a deep value was followed.

Write down that decision and again ask: Which value was I protecting?

Turning patterns into value words

By now, there is probably a rough list of words repeating themselves. Examples:

• freedom
• security
• honesty
• creativity
• learning
• family
• contribution
• adventure
• health
• status
• fairness
• spirituality
• achievement
• calm
• independence

Circle or highlight any words (or ideas) that show up again and again in your notes. Aim to narrow the list to 8–10 that feel especially accurate.

Take your time with this. Some words will feel “nice” but not truly central. Others will hit like: “Yes. If this disappears, I feel lost.”

Prioritising: choosing your core 5

The next step is to choose the top layer — the values that sit at the very center.

A simple way:

1. Look at your 8–10 values and ask:
   “If I had to sacrifice one of these for a while, which would hurt the least?” Cross it out.
2. Repeat until you have 5 core values left.

These five are not a strict rulebook. They are more like coordinates. When a choice matches them, life usually feels smoother. When a choice breaks several at once, tension and regret build quickly.

Testing your values against real life

Identifying values is useful only if they connect to actual decisions.

Try these quick checks:

• Work:
  Does your current role support at least two or three of your core values?
  Example: if you value growth and creativity, but your role is frozen and highly repetitive, that mismatch explains a lot.
• Relationships:
  Do your closest relationships (friends, partner, family) clash with your values or support them?
  If honesty is a value, but every important topic is hidden, that gap will hurt
• Time:
  Look at your last seven days. How much time went into things that match your values vs pure obligation or habit?

No week will align perfectly, and that is fine. The point is to see where adjustments would make the biggest difference.

How values connect to dating and partnership

In dating, unsaid values are one of the main reasons “everything looks okay on paper” but still feels wrong.

For instance:

• One person prioritises family and stability; the other is driven by adventure and freedom. Chemistry may be strong, but daily life will be full of friction.
• One person needs emotional openness; the other values privacy above all. Without clarity, both will feel misunderstood and disappointed.

Aprofessional matchmaker spends a surprising amount of time helping clients articulate these deeper priorities. Before any introductions are made, there is usually a conversation around questions like:

• What kind of life rhythm feels right?
• How important are career, travel, children, community, religion, or personal growth?
• Where are you willing to compromise and where not?

High-quality matchmaking services use that information to filter potential partners. This is not about designing a “perfect person”, but about avoiding predictable, painful value clashes right from the start.

Keeping your values alive

Values are not a one-time list to write and forget. They need some contact with everyday life.

A few practical habits:

• Revisit your list every few months; adjust words if something feels different.
• Before a major decision, quietly ask: “Which of my values does this support? Which might it violate?”
• Notice when you feel unusually calm or proud of a choice — that is usually a sign values were respected.
• Notice when you feel heavy, stuck, or strangely guilty — that may be a sign a value was ignored.

Over time, this becomes less like an exercise and more like a natural filter.

Instead of asking, “What should I do so others approve?” the focus moves to: “What choice fits the kind of person I want to be?”

And once that inner direction is clearer, everything else — career moves, daily schedule, and yes, the search for a compatible partner — becomes easier to align.