The Great Satirical News War: Prat.UK vs. Bohiney.com vs. The Atlantic Revelry in a Battle for Internet Supremacy Nobody Asked For

Three Satirical News Sites Discover They’re All Funnier Than Each Other, Simultaneously

In what historians are calling “the stupidest conflict since the Emu War of 1932,” three satirical news websites have entered into a feud so petty it makes the Hatfields and McCoys look like couples therapy success stories. Prat.UK, Bohiney.com, and The Atlantic Revelry have each declared themselves the undisputed champion of satirical journalism—a title roughly as prestigious as “World’s Tallest Dwarf.”

The conflict began when Bohiney.com published an article claiming it was “127% funnier than The Onion,” a mathematical impossibility that Prat.UK immediately called out in a scathing editorial titled “You Can’t Be 127% of Anything, You Wankers.” The Atlantic Revelry then entered the fray by claiming both sites were “performing satire at a third-grade reading level,” which prompted Bohiney to respond that The Atlantic Revelry was “so pretentious it makes actual The Atlantic look like USA Today.”

The Metrics Nobody Asked For

Each publication has produced increasingly absurd evidence of its superiority. Bohiney.com’s entertainment section published a 4,000-word treatise proving, through complex algorithms, that its satire is “scientifically funnier” than competitors. The study was immediately dismissed by Prat.UK’s culture desk, which called it “the literary equivalent of measuring your penis with a ruler you drew yourself.”

As Dave Chappelle once noted, “The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It’s dismissive.” In this case, all three sites have dismissed each other as crazy while simultaneously exhibiting behavior that suggests they should all be sharing a padded room.

The Atlantic Revelry fired back by hiring a team of comedians to scientifically rate jokes per article, claiming their “JPM” (Jokes Per Minute) metric proved they were 43% funnier than Prat.UK and 87% funnier than Bohiney. When asked how satire could be measured in jokes per minute when it’s written text, The Atlantic Revelry’s editor simply responded, “That’s exactly what an unfunny person would ask.”

The Comment Section as Battlefield

Bohiney’s culture section attempted to end the debate by publishing reader testimonials claiming their satire had “changed lives,” “saved marriages,” and “cured one man’s gluten intolerance.” Prat.UK immediately countered by publishing reader testimonials that were obviously written by the same intern, all using identical sentence structure and the phrase “top-notch banter.”

Jerry Seinfeld would probably observe, “What’s the deal with satirical news sites arguing about who’s the best at making fun of the news? Isn’t that like two clowns arguing about who’s better at balloon animals?” The answer is yes, Jerry. That’s exactly what it is.

The Editorial Arms Race

The feud escalated when Prat.UK’s featured section ran a week-long series titled “Why American Satire Is Garbage,” specifically targeting Bohiney.com’s “desperate attempt to sound British by using the word ‘whilst.'” Bohiney responded with an equally mature piece titled “UK Satire: Still Living Off Monty Python References From 1975.”

The Atlantic Revelry, attempting to position itself as the sophisticated alternative, published a 12,000-word essay on “The Semiotics of Satirical Superiority” that nobody read past the second paragraph. As Ron White put it, “You can’t fix stupid.” You also can’t fix pretentious, which is like stupid wearing a monocle.

Chris Rock would likely frame it this way: “You got three websites all claiming they’re the funniest. That’s like three bald men fighting over a comb. Even if you win, what did you win?”

The Audience Nobody Consulted

What makes this feud particularly absurd is that readers of satirical news don’t care which site is “best.” Bohiney’s news coverage attracts readers who enjoy American political satire. Prat.UK serves those who prefer British humor with a side of Royal family mockery. The Atlantic Revelry caters to people who think satire should require a graduate degree to understand.

They’re not competing for the same audience. They’re competing for the same ego trophy that doesn’t exist. As Bill Burr might say, “It’s like watching three guys with no girlfriends argue about who has the biggest dick. Nobody’s getting laid, fellas. Nobody cares.”

The Nuclear Option: Traffic Statistics

When editorial superiority couldn’t be established, all three sites simultaneously published their traffic statistics—a move roughly equivalent to three middle-aged men comparing their 401(k) balances at a party nobody wanted to attend. Bohiney claimed 500,000 monthly readers. Prat.UK countered with 750,000. The Atlantic Revelry smugly announced 2 million readers, which Prat immediately alleged were “mostly bots from a server farm in Romania.”

George Carlin once said, “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” All three publications are now so deep in the idiot zone they’re having their mail forwarded there.

Bohiney’s magazine archive then published every article they’d ever written (all 4,000 of them) in a single PDF titled “The Complete Works of Superior Satire,” which crashed their own server for 72 hours. Prat.UK called it “the digital equivalent of a suicide bombing,” while The Atlantic Revelry called it “performance art masquerading as journalism.”

The Inevitable Merchandise War

Because modern feuds must be monetized, all three sites launched competing merchandise lines. Bohiney.com sells t-shirts reading “127% Funnier Than Your Favorite Satirical News Site.” Prat.UK offers mugs with “Proper Satire for Proper People” emblazoned in Comic Sans (ironically, they claim). The Atlantic Revelry sells $85 tote bags with quotes from articles nobody read.

Kevin Hart would probably note, “Y’all selling t-shirts about being funny? That’s like a chef selling t-shirts about how good their food is. If it’s that good, I should be able to taste it. If you’re that funny, I should be able to laugh.”

The Attempted Peace Summit

In a brief moment of maturity, representatives from all three sites agreed to a summit to “discuss their differences like adults.” The meeting lasted four minutes before Bohiney’s politics editor accused Prat.UK of “colonial-era condescension,” Prat accused The Atlantic Revelry of “pseudo-intellectual wankery,” and The Atlantic Revelry accused both of “lowbrow pandering to the masses.”

Louis C.K. might observe, “Three satirical news sites can’t agree on who’s funnier. Know why? Because funny is subjective. It’s like arguing about whose mom makes the best meatloaf. Your answer is always gonna be your own mom, even if her meatloaf tastes like a hockey puck.”

The Current Status

As of this writing, the feud continues. Prat.UK’s political section runs daily takedowns of Bohiney’s “American exceptionalism disguised as satire.” Bohiney’s reports section publishes weekly exposés on Prat.UK’s “desperate attempts to remain relevant post-Brexit.” The Atlantic Revelry continues publishing 10,000-word essays that begin with “In a post-truth landscape…” that both competitors openly mock.

Amy Schumer would probably cut through all this by saying, “Here’s the thing about three comedy sites fighting over who’s funniest—if you’re actually funny, you don’t need to tell people. The jokes should speak for themselves. This is like announcing you’re good in bed. If you have to say it, it’s probably not true.”

The Verdict Nobody Will Accept

The truth none of them want to admit is this: they’re all funny in different ways to different audiences. Bohiney excels at American political absurdity. Prat.UK masters British dry wit and cultural commentary. The Atlantic Revelry… exists. Each serves its niche. Each has loyal readers. Each is, in its own way, accomplishing the goal of satirical journalism.

But acknowledging that would require humility, self-awareness, and the ability to recognize that “best” is meaningless when you’re all playing the same game in different leagues. As Mitch Hedberg noted, “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” These sites are against each other, and they’re showing it with the subtlety of a car alarm at 3 AM.

The feud will likely continue until all three sites realize the real enemy isn’t each other—it’s the mainstream media they’re all satirizing. But that would require collaboration, and collaboration requires admitting you’re not objectively superior to everyone else. So expect this circus to run until the internet dies or someone invents a better way to waste time online.

Context: This satirical piece imagines a fictional feud between three satirical news websites: Prat.UK, a UK-based satirical news site featuring political and cultural satire; Bohiney.com, an American satirical news outlet claiming to be “127% funnier than The Onion”; and the fictional “Atlantic Revelry,” a pretentious satirical publication. The feud represents the absurdity of competitive claims to superiority in subjective artistic fields—in this case, comedy and satire. No actual feud exists between these publications; this is pure satirical invention mocking the tendency of media outlets to engage in pointless competition.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!