The Psychology of Asking for Help – 4 Expert Tips

Help! We all need it at one point or another, but some of us have an especially difficult time asking for it, even when it’s a small favor. Why can asking for help be so hard, and what tips might make it easier?

Why Asking for Help Can Be Hard

Asking for help can be hard for multiple reasons. We may have inherited a “do-it-yourself” mentality from our family or the culture at large, which tends to celebrate hard work, independence, and self-determination.

Our pride may be at stake in the act of asking for help. It can make us feel vulnerable—especially when the answer could be “no.”

Fear is another factor that can keep people from asking for help. They worry about what others may think. Sometimes, asking for help is a necessary first step toward turning one’s life around, and it can be scary to face the unknown and the changes ahead.

Tips for How to Ask for Help

Whether you’re requesting a small favor or facing a situation that demands a much bigger ask, these four tips may help.

Silence your inner critic.

Asking for help may be hard because we’re judging ourselves for needing help. We may be saying to ourselves that asking for help is “a sign of weakness or a failure to do something we ‘should’ be able to fix,” said Dr. Beau A. Nelson, DBH, LCSW, Chief Clinical Officer at FHE Health. Dr. Nelson is an expert in the field of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which teaches individuals to identify and challenge these sorts of unhelpful thoughts so they can develop healthier behaviors.

Take a quick inventory of your self-talk. Are you using “should” vocabulary? Eliminate it. Are you leaping to negative conclusions? Check if the evidence supports them and reframe those thoughts in a more positive, constructive way.

Adopt a more realistic view of the situation.

Dr. Nelson used the example of someone dealing with a mental health issue, who may feel too embarrassed to consult their doctor or seek assistance from a professional:

The more realistic, true viewpoint is that most of us aren’t experts in mental health, so we are smart to bring in those with more experience to help. Doing so actually is better thinking and can challenge a “should” that’s unhelpful.

Consider what advice you’d give to someone else; then follow it.

Stop evaluating yourself according to a harsher, more unrealistic set of standards that you only apply to yourself and not others. Here is how Dr. Nelson explained it:

Why should I know what to do? Would you tell someone else who was feeling bad that they had to fix this on their own or else they are a failure? No. That is not helpful or supportive advice.

Change your self-talk.

Say, for example, that your car has broken down, Dr. Nelson said. “Should you know how to fix it? If you are not a mechanic, the answer is ‘no.’ Do you wait until you can fix it? Doubtful. The wise person takes it to the garage and gets it fixed. That’s helpful and smart, and we credit someone for taking care of it.”

“Talk to yourself this way when you face a mental health challenge that you can’t fix,” Dr. Nelson says. “Get help, be smart, and congratulate yourself for not letting it get worse. Use the tools that are available and feel better! That’s the goal! Stop overthinking and beating up on yourself for just being a normal human being.”

A similar approach can be taken with many problems you could use help with. By changing the self-talk, you’ll be able to ask for help more freely and become a better self-advocate.